She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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