I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
