Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
