I wish I could punch you in the face.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
