so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
