i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
