I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
