I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
