just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
