It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
