I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
jump out the window naked night went bad
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