Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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