then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
