Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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