Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
