May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I came so hard my ears popped.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
