Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
