Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
