Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
