I'm so fucking centered right now
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
