yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
