the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
