Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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