Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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