her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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