when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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