Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
