she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
