I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
