Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
