I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
