youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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