Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
