True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
