You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
