I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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