How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
