the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
