you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
