I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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