The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Alive.
So much puke
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
