just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i think my cat just said my name.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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