she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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