Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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