Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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