nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
