I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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