Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
