Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
we're so committed to being not committed
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
