I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
