Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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