you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
