he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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