I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
